I don't want to be mediocre anymore.

A lot of kinds of happiness fades and passes, but the happiness of getting good marks really sticks. I've really, really missed getting good grades. I'm sick of being a disappointment to my parents and my teachers and to myself!

Nobody wants to disappoint people. It's a painful feeling. I worked so hard for this test and I'm so glad it paid off. Or else I would look like a total fool and wanna slit my wrists.

At the beginning of the year, I vowed to make this a good year and not to slack. Slacking is a strange thing... it starts of small, little by little. And then it snowballs and soon it's just out of control! If you don't start working hard from day 1, you might as well just throw the whole year away.

Pretty much what happened to me last year.

This time, I didn't want to be flippant because it's only the 1st Assessment Test. I didn't wanna say "nevermind la, 1st Assessment Test nia, no big deal" again, like how lots of friends do, cause I knew I'd be making a mistake.

The kind of results and the mindframe that you get in the beginning sets you up for the rest of the year. Now I'm so motivated to continue doing well, rather than feeling discouraged, disheartened, disappointed, useless and stupid like I would if I'd done badly.

Okay, now I shall happily compare this 1st Assessment Test marks to my 2nd Assessment Test marks in 2009! :)

This was already considered my "good" results for last year, only 1 E and at least there's 2 B's.

4A's, 4A's I'M SO HAPPY!! In just 1 test, as compared to only 1 measly A over the whole of last year. I feel such a sense of accomplishment. Like I finally, finally showed that I am capable of grabbing the O' Levels by its horns and slamming it to the ground! I'm aiming for 6A1's.

Hopefully one day next February after the results come out, I'll re-read this blog post and beam proudly at my determination. Fingers crossed. Public exams bring out the fighter in me.

I have to remind myself that these are the kinds of marks I'm SUPPOSED to get. Not D's and E's like I did last year when I was slacking. Somewhere between the beginning of last year and this year, everybody including myself seemed to have forgotten that I was once 8A1 girl.

Sure, I'm in a class full of smart people who get good grades, but by all rights, I'm supposed to be on the same playing field as Joshua and Jesnie. I'm not supposed to just be good, I'm supposed to be great.

I forgot that, all my friends forgot that, so much so that now me doing well comes as a surprise. Back in lower secondary, it was the other way around, me doing BADLY was a surprise.

Growing up, I was never really the "pretty girl" or the "funny girl". My only claim to fame was that I was the "smart girl"! Now I realize I had a very bad lapse of judgement last year, allowing myself to slack so badly that everybody thought I was a gone case. Their expectations of me sank lower and lower into the ground.

Last year, I did consistently horribly. I know what that feels like. The frustration, the disappointment, the I-don't-care-about-this-exam-la when you actually do, the tears, the incredulous looks (which soon turned into unsurprised ones) on people's faces when you tell them your marks, people telling you to do-better-next-time.

Which is why I also know I don't want that feeling ever again. I want to go back to being 8A1 girl! Hopefully it's not too late. I'm making a change, here and now.

I'm a smart girl who can work hard and do really well. I need to always remember that. I was not born to be mediocre. I refuse to let myself become mediocre.