In the meantime, here's something I wrote last month but never had the chance to post. It's for all those people who are always so curious about my love life! Yes you, who always likes to question me about who I "like". I guess this is less about providing you with clarity, and more about providing me with some closure.
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It's been almost 7 months since we first met. At first it felt like fate, but I missed my chance with you, we missed our chance, and now I have to accept that and move on. It's funny how fast the perfect opportunity can pass you by when you don't realize what a wonderful thing you have and grab a hold of it quickly. Blink and the moment is over.
But even if I had said what I always knew I wanted to deep down inside the moment you looked at me that way but was always too afraid to, would it have ever worked out between us? We're so different, you and me, from separate worlds, and then there were the circumstances. Yet, every day I still wonder, what if?
Thinking back and remembering, it seems almost too unbelievable to be real, too good to be true. Like it had happened to someone else, not me. The memory of the first time we met that I cherish so much gets fuzzier every day, like a scene from an old and blur black and white movie with broken sound. But I'll never forget the feelings I felt: uncertainty, nervousness, euphoria, dizziness bubbling inside me. An adrenaline rush.
I told myself not to take it seriously, to just be in it for the thrill because I didn't want to get my heart broken. I never woke up to the magnitude of it all, how serious it had become, until it was much too late. I wanted to live in my fantasy world forever; I was afraid of change, of venturing into unknown territory with you. The last thing I had wanted to be was stupidly naive, and yet, that was what I was.
Silence between us was always uncomfortable. I know now we would've never been able to be just friends. So many things went unspoken. We played so many games, I never realized how much it frustrated you. And it raised questions, questions I was wrong to shove under the rug for later consumption. I thought you had all the answers, and you thought I had all the answers. When in truth, neither of us really ever knew anything for sure. It ended up consuming us.
I omit those less-than-ideal bits from my perfect memory but I don't ignore their existence. But despite how ugly it got sometimes, you taught me so much in those months, and they were some of the best of my life. You made me feel so special, I still remember floating around on a cloud of love. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt before; you made me fall in love with you over and over again.
And even though every day it gets a little bit easier to forget you, I'm struck with the reality that I can never avoid you forever. I seek closure I'll never find. You ended up being the one that got away, the one that could have been. It was so complicated and yet so magical, or maybe... it was all just in my imagination.
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I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
You say hello
Little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase, begging you please don't go
And I said
Romeo take me, somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting
All there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while
Oh Oh
'Cause you were Romeo
I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said, stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go
And I said
Romeo save me
They're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby just say yes
Oh Oh
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I was afraid, I didn't say yes, and we never did make it out of our mess.
(Had to put "X-Large" image size cause the "Large" size was so pixelated!! The original photo taken from Facebook is also pixelated lah, actually, what to do? So you get to see damn huge photo of my face :D)
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